You can’t make this stuff up

Epic bombshell on the way…

But first…my embarrassing story.

So, I came back to my apartment on Saturday night and saw that the Ex was actually home for once. I was certainly surprised by this because she rarely comes back to the apartment anymore – especially not on the weekend. I was also a little annoyed because the Avid Texterand her friend with the long nickname were going to come play Rock Band. Upon seeing the Ex’s car, I had to send the ladies home due to the rule the Ex and I set. We agreed that no guests of the opposite sex were allowed over. Now, I had no intention on fooling around with the Avid Texter or her friend and I’m not interested in either of them, but I certainly knew how it would look and opted to make the smart choice. This annoyed me however.

This is where things get bad…

I go upstairs and am greeted by my puppy, who’s barking wakes up the Ex. I talk to her about how I’m surprised she’s home and then make the mistake of expressing displeasure at her while drunk. It started out with me telling her I didn’t really understand how a person with mono, who needs bedrest and has been out sick from work, can find time to go out with friends every day but can’t find 15 minutes to bring our chubby puppy to the dog park that is located at our complex or take out the trash. This turns into an argument that somehow spawns into talk of Weasel McDouchebag. The Ex is clearly annoyed and decides to text him to vent about me coming home drunk and arguing with her (No mention of how she actively argued back of course). This leads to him calling her. The Ex thinks I’ll leave the room at this point, but I don’t. McDouchebag tells her he wants to talk to me. I (in all my drunken glory) accept this invitation. Our conversation started like this…


“Listen asshole!…”

“Um, dude, why are you yelling?”

“…you better get out of her room and stop arguing with her right now or…”

“Um, dude, why are you yelling?”

“or I’m gonna come over their with my friends and beat the shit out of you!”

“Um, dude, seriously, why are you yelling?”

This continues for a little while. I keep getting yelled at and eventually lose my cool and tell him he’s a douchebag and should mind his own business. He eventually threatens my life, threatens to call the cops on me, and claims “My family has lived in this town for years and I know people! I can fuck up your whole life!”

Wow. She’s got quite the catch there.

I know that I was wrong for coming home and starting an argument when I was drunk. My intention was just to talk about the dog and other chores that weren’t getting done, but it spawned into more. I shouldn’t have let the conversation go that way and I should have just went to bed. I definitely should not have taken her phone, but seriously, why would she ever let me take it? When I’m drunk I don’t take shit from people, so I was loaded on liquid courage and took the phone.

And why the hell was that moron yelling and threatening me when he doesn’t know me or know what’s going on? Look buddy, in like 10 days I’m going to be out of her life forever, so settle down. Although I regretted my immaturity the next day, I took some solace in the fact that I was egged on by alcohol, while he was stone sober and threatening my life. Yikes. I told the Ex the next day “I’m not joking when I say this, but I hope you don’t ever make him mad because he sounds a little psycho, you need to be careful.” It was fun to egg him on when I was drunk and it’s fun for me to joke about him here, but seriously he sounded bat shit crazy.

Anyway, moral of the story – stay the the hell away from the Ex (especailly when drunk) or her new whatever he is may kill me.

If I die under suspicious circumstances, please direct the cops to his house.

Now for the bombshell…

That night, I texted the Avid Texter saying I was sorry that they couldn’t hang. She said something along the lines of “Well, I really should have left anyway…” which led to a conversation that I never saw coming. She says, “there is a reason I haven’t been drinking when you’ve seen me out and I think you should know why….I am a surrogate mother for my sister and her husband.”




Now, I noticed she wore baggier clothes, wasn’t really drinking, and I thought pregnancy was not out of the question, but I did not see that coming. It certainly does not bother me, because I’m open about everything. If I was interested in dating her, it might be weird, but since I just want to be friends, it did not bother me. Just surprised the hell out of me.

I don’t know all the details, because I didn’t want to push it, but apparently, her sister and her husband have had problems getting pregnant so they asked her  if she would be the surrogate. She said yes.



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18 responses to “You can’t make this stuff up

  1. shorty

    i am glad that story ended with this revelation about avid texter. that is very sweet and respectable i think. i can’t imagine how hard that would be on her sister, and to ask for such a favor, well i just hope that my sisters would do the same for me. so that says a lot about her character.

    so maybe you can date her when it’s all over with? eh? eh?

  2. Although what she is doing is valiant and commendable. No, no dating. It’s not happening, not even for the blog…

    Also, next time I text you saying “should I go for (insert name/nickname of girl here)”. The answer should be, “Yes.” If you say no, and I ask what Bloggy says, don’t lie and say she said, “No.”


  3. This is better than watching The Hills, Gossip Girl and [add name here since I can’t think of anything right now] 😀 Poor thing..I really look forward to reading more about this though 😛

  4. Hahaha thanks for the comment, although I don’t know if I like being compared to such girly shows… 😛

  5. that girl

    i think it’s really incredible that she’s doing what she’s doing, but the Avid Texter revealed this information for one of two reasons:

    she’s seen how great of a friend you are/will be to her in the future


    she’s really, really into you and wants you to know her situation before things get too involved

  6. Thanks that girl…whichever girl you are, but I don’t know if its either bc we really don’t know anything about each other and have only hung out once. Who knows maybe I’m that awesome

  7. that girl

    it’s not exactly light dinner coversation, and it’s certainly not the type of information you drop on someone you’ve only known for a couple of weeks. there was no reason at that precise moment, for her to spill the beans – it seems that she’s grown fond of you and finds you that she can trust you with subject matter as sensitive as being a surrogate mother.

    and yes, most importantly, it is cause you’re that awesome.

  8. that girl

    oh, and please excuse the million and one spelling/grammatical errors.

  9. Maybe she’s just extremely open…? Damnit, curse this awesomeness!!

  10. Wow… wow. First of all, that guy sounds insane. I’ve said it before but you need to get OUT of there. Wow.

    As for Avid Texter… that is quite the bombshell. I think it sounds like she probably wants a little bit more from you than you want from her, but that’s OK. She will understand soon enough that you just want to be friends.

    Also, your dog sounds cute.

  11. I will be out in about a week or so…I can’t wait.

    Damnit. You girls know everything. I’ve been taking a few steps back to kinda get some distance. I definitely don’t want this to turn into an issue.

    My dog IS cute…and a terror. But I loves her.

  12. J

    holy crap. you’re going through a lot. i’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you. who the hell knew the ex would end up being like this? after all that has happened. really. im soooo disappointed in her. call me if you ever need to talk. seriously. i can kinda relate to the whole living with an ex you hate thing…

    and 3 cheers for being a surrogate mother. it takes an amazing person to do that for someone.

  13. J

    Also… In 6 months… i forsee you having some kind of “relations” with avid texter. Let’s be serious here. REBOUND.

  14. Hahaha yea right. I fully intend on my rebound being WAY before the six month mark.

  15. i love your blog! good luck with not getting your whole life fucked up by McDouchebag. 🙂


  16. p.s. glad you liked our blog as well. we love you too! 🙂

  17. Pingback: Things are shaping up to be Pretty. Odd. « Proverbial Hyperbole

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