Back by something that could be confused with popular demand…The Verizon Chronicles…
Customer: “Yea, I would like to get a new phone, but I don’t want to pay anything for it.”
Me: “Okay, that’s not a problem. We can definitely find you a phone at no cost. In fact, here is a free phone that you could get today.”
Customer: “That phone looks like a piece of crap! I don’t want that!!”
Me: “Well, I agree it’s not the most durable phone, but it is a good phone. However, if you don’t like it we should look into a more dependable model…”
Customer: “Well are they free?”
Me: “No, they are not. In most cases, the better the phone, the higher the price, but we can still get you a discounted price.”
Customer: “This is why I hate Verizon! You don’t ever give your customers anything for free that is any good!”
I often hear some variation of these comments. If we gave away free shit all the time, we would not make any money. I am sorry, but businesses have to make money. That’s what they do. Without money, businesses can’t operate. If they don’t operate, you can’t get these products.
Also, if VZW didn’t make money they couldn’t invest millions of dollars into our network (which is exactly what the company does). You know how your old phone company sucked? It’s because they gave away everything and didn’t charge you as much for your plan. They had very little money to put towards the network. This leads to dropped calls, poor call quality or phones that fall apart in your hand. So you had a bunch of free shit you couldn’t use, jackass.
Don’t get me wrong I want free stuff too, but I know that quality products cost money. It’s not rocket science. The better the product, the more it costs to make, which means you pay more for it. Idiot.
Customer: “I would like to buy a Blackberry.”
Me: “All right, that’s great! They are incredible devices and you will love it. As you may or may not know, there is an extra charge per month to have a Blackberry due to the fact that it uses or data network. This charge will give you unlimited e-mail and internet use.”
Customer: “What if I don’t want that package?”
Me: “Then I would look at another phone, because all PDA devices require a data package.”
Customer: “That’s so stupid! I don’t even want to use Internet or e-mail! I just want this phone on the plan I have!”
Me: “Well, Mr. Customer to be honest, if you don’t want internet and e-mail, then you will not want a Blackberry. Almost all of its features revolve around those two services. Even when you are not using those services, the device still does. This is why we require the package.”
Customer: “That’s bullshit! T-Mobile doesn’t require it, so why do you!?”
At this point I get super frustrated because the customer clearly does not get it. 1. Other carriers do charge for it, they just incorporate it into their plans so it’s not as obvious you are paying for it. 2. The ones that don’t are terrible companies and fall into the categories I mentioned above. 3. I’m not making this up. Blackberry devices are not for someone just looking for a regular phone. I’m sorry you want to be the coolest person in your group of douchey friends and that’s the sole reason you want the device, but believe me, it will not be worth it. The first time you pull out the device everyone is going to ask to see all the cool features anyway. And why is that? Oh right, because that’s the main draw of the device. Just because it is cool, it does not mean you HAVE to have this phone.
Our Greeter: “Welcome to Verizon Wireless! How can we help you today?”
Customer: “I need blah blah blah”
Greeter: “We can definitely help you out with that, I’ll just get you signed into our check-in station here…”
Customer: (Completely disgusted) “I have to SIGN IN!?”
Greeter: “Yes, as you can see we are a little busy and this will allow you to walk freely around the store and look at our phones and products. You won’t have to worry about being stuck in line or worry about someone who shows up after you getting helped before you.”
Customer: “This is ridiculous!”
What the fuck is so damn ridiculous about this???? I do not understand why customers get so worked up over this. All we do is put your name on an electronic list and we call you when it is your turn. People get extremely pissed off when they get overlooked, so this makes sure you are helped in the order you came in. You may have learned about this “first come, first serve” style in, oh, I don’t know kindergarten. This process also allows you to walk around freely, so you are not like mindless cattle being herded around. If we ran our store that way, you would be pissed, but obviously you are pissed now too, so clearly nothing works for you. Go be miserable somewhere else.
Me: “Can I help you with anything?”
Customer: “No, just looking.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. If you have any questions while you are hear, I’ll be glad to…”
Customer: (cutting me off): “How much is this phone?”
Why the hell didn’t you ask me that question when I asked you if you needed anything, asshole. Every goddamn person does this. They are short with me and act like I’m a leech, so I attempt to let them shop in peace, but before I can even finish my sentence they are asking for help. Are you trying to play hard to get or something? “If I say no, he won’t think I’m desperate to purchase something today. I’ll just say no and then ask for help two seconds later. I’m a genius!” No, Mr. Customer, you are a bag of douche.