if all this gold should steal my soul away…

Intro: For those of you that have not seen this infomercial yet, you are missing out. It’s for when blankets are just to hard to navigate through!


For those of you that were mildly amused by “The Verizon Chronicles” and “The Question Game” comes my latest theme-based entry…”My Get Rich Quick Schemes”!

This should come as no surprise to those people that know me. I hate working and would absolutely love to be rich..filthy, fucking rich to be precise. I want lots of money…preferably by doing absolutely nothing to deserve it. My friends (namely PiC, Samsonite, and DG) and I have been scheming for years now with no luck. I will chronicle those ideas here…

1. Win the lottery – Pretty typical first idea. It turns out the odds are not so good.
Result: Technically, still in progress, but thus far an EPIC FAIL

2. Grow a Money Tree – Turns out that damn saying was true. What a genius idea. We would grow a tree that continuously has blossoms of $100 bills. Sadly, there are no seeds available for this magical plant. Planting pennies in the soil also did not work.

3. The Borrow $1 Plan – PiC and I hatched this brilliant idea. We would ask anyone we possibly knew if we could borrow $1 for them. Most people would not expect you to actually repay that $1, so they would soon forget all about you even asking. We would save up all of our “borrowed” dollars and would soon be millionaires. This plan came to fruition during the height of our binge drinking. Predictably, we spent our borrowed dollars on booze. We also probably used the dollars to sweeten the pot in another of our great plans: “Get chicks to make out with other chicks.”
Result: Mild Failure. The plan worked, but was accidentally abandoned. It may be time to bring this one back…

4. Move to London and Solve Mysteries ala Sherlock Holmes – DG and I figured that Sherlock Holmes must have gotten lots of money and woman all by being awesome. He just went around and solved interesting mysteries. DG thought we already had a leg up on Holmes because of our “straight teeth.” DG is kind of a bigot. This is why he is my friend.
Result: Abandoned due to lack of funds and desire to move to London. However after some females expressed displeasure with our lack of interest in foggy Londontown, we may have to discuss this option again.

5. Marry a Rich Girl– Self-explanatory. With DG out in LA, we figured he could meet a celebrity, woo her, and marry into riches. This of course would entail getting a rich person to love one of us enough to marry them and not make us sign a prenuptial. If celebrities have taught us anything it is that they are better than us because they are rich. We clearly do not stand a chance.
Result: In order to avoid the inevitable disappoint, plan has been put on the shelf.

6. Make A Porno – We had this idea WAAAAY before “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” was released. It really is quite brilliant. Not only do we get to have sex, but we become rich. However it turns out attractive girls find this plan creepy and then turn and run in the other direction after asked about it. Only dudes and really ugly girls seem interested in this plan. And surprisingly there is not really a demand in the porn market for pornos involving a really skinny, pale, and awkward white male having sex for 1 minute…on a good day…
Result: Epic Fail.

There is plenty more where that came from, so if the feedback is good, there will be more shortly. Please share your get rich ideas in the replies! Make my dream come true!


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9 responses to “if all this gold should steal my soul away…

  1. Hahaha this is awesome. I laughed so hard at the borrow $1 plan. This is so true. I always think that I want to have a national commercial that asks everyone in the country to just send me $1.00. Just think, if everyone did, I could be LOADED!!!

  2. That’s the problem with the plan. If you go to big, it will fail. No one will donate a $1 if you are on TV or on the internet asking for money because they’ll know what you are up to. People don’t like to make other people rich.

  3. Let me know if the porno thing ever goes though. I’d be interested in watching! 😉

    Also, Snuggie? Yeah. Wtf is THAT about?


  4. You can only see the porno under two circumstances: 1. You pay to see it (remember the goal is for the millions of dollars)
    2. You see it for free…if you are in it.

  5. I agree with my fellow Beth- The $1 plan is brill. I mean, seriously. Even my shit-broke friends would give me a dollar. Here in SF, I could ask for bus fare ($1.50) and get rich a helluva lot quicker. Solid plan, yes?

  6. Don’t get too greedy! You gotta start small!

  7. lol, love the $1 plan.
    Good luck on finding a sugar mama. Props for not being too manly to let a girl provide for ya. 😉

  8. Christina – My goal in life is to be a stay at home husband/dad.

  9. Pingback: Thank You For Smoking « Proverbial Hyperbole

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