The Verizon Chronicles – Vol. 5

The last two days at work have been Hell. Seriously, if Hell indeed exists, this would be mine. Not only did all the customers suck, I was in a terrible mood, my managers have been annoying the living shit out of me (side note – shit’s a living thing? Sayings are weird), and I’ve worked overtime both days. This has led to some great interactions that will be detailed here.

1. Customers are constantly coming in with broken phones. This is of course my fault.

Me: “Okay, sir. As you stated – you ran over your phone with your car, which is not covered under the warranty. Luckily, you have insurance on the phone. All you have to do is call the insurance company and they will be able to overnight you a phone.”
Customer: “You mean I can’t get a phone here!?”
Me: “No, sir. We do not replace damaged phones. That is what the insurance is for.”
Customer: “I pay you for the insurance so why can’t you replace it!?”
Me: “I understand what you are saying because you have seen that the charge for insurance is on your bill. However, that money goes to the insurance company. Therefore, you then have to go through the insurance company to make the claim. Think of it as ANY OTHER form of insurance you have. You have to make the claim with that company and they replace the product for you. If you wreck your car, you don’t go to the dealer, you go to the insurance agency.”
Customer: “But, but, but…uh…I need this phone for my BIDNESS! I am missing calls now that are costing me hundreds of dollars!”

Riiiiiiiiiight. Your, what was that again? “Bidness”? Damn, you certainly sound important, I better materialize a phone out of my ass this instant or I might upset this holy bidness man!
First of all, if you are calling it your “bidness”, then you don’t actually have a legitimate BUSINESS. Moron.
Second of all, if you are such a savvy business/bidness man, who by the way is missing hundreds of dollars worth of calls on your phone, don’t you think you would have thought of a backup plan in case something happens to your cell phone? A backup plan, like, oh I don’t know, a SECOND FUCKING PHONE. Asshole.
And as an intelligtent (ahem) bidness man, wouldn’t you realize that it would be incredibly poor buisness sense to give you a brand new phone since you tend to run them over with your car?

After these customers realize the whole business approach isn’t going to work they resort to this…

“Well, are you gonna credit me for the time I didn’t have service. I pay good money for a service that you are not providing.”

Wait, so you want a credit because you were a fucking idiot and ran over your own phone. The product isn’t defective, you are! This is YOUR FAULT. I know it’s easier to blame the big, bad cell phone company for your problems, but just step back for a second, grow up and realize you fucked up. Deal with it. You now have to pay for your mistake. I know it totally sucks and I’d be super pissed at myself too. The difference is I would be a grown-up and deal with it.
I mean, if you hit your TV with a baseball bat and shattered the screen would you call the cable company and demand a credit because you can’t watch TV. Then why are you asking me for this? Douche.

Then, they go for this last ditch effort…

“Well, with the amount of money I spend with you guys, I deserve a new, free phone.”

Oh wow, your $40 dollar a month phone bill really makes the difference for our company. Sure, it’s the smallest plan we offer, but I’m very impressed. You must be uber rich and rich people are better than poor peasants like me, so I better do what you want.
Oh by the way, I don’t give a shit if you spend $300 a month. I treat each customer the same. As cheesey as this sounds, every one is valuable to me – as long as they aren’t assholes like you. I do my best, within the standards and code of conduct my business has set forth, regardless of how much you spend a month. Dick. Throwing make believe sums of money at me does not impress me nor does it make me want to help you more.

2. Moving on…here’s some quick background. Cell phone service is not perfect. It does not work in everyone’s house. It sucks, but it’s true. My company does try to accommodate those people who do not get service in their home. For one, customers can cancel within 30 days of activating with no termination fee. If they are unlucky enough to move to an area where they don’t get service, they still have three options. They could cancel and pay the termination fees (this is a dumb option, but some people do it if they don’t have patience for the next option). They could request to have a team come out to their home, test the area, confirm there is no service and release them from their contract with no termination fee. The final option is to purchase a new product called the Network Extender.

This awesome device connects to your broadband internet and increases the signal in your home. We have run into customers who go from zero bars of service in their home to four when they bought this product. The network extender does cost $250, but there is no monthly fee and it really works. It’s just another option we offer.

A customer came in today and was asking me for an “adjustment” on their bill because they “had” to purchase the network extender in order to get service in their home..

Me: “Is the network extender not working?”
Customer: “It works fine, but what kind of adjustment are we going to get for having to purchase that expensive piece of equipment.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, if you now have service in your home then you are not eligible for any credit. If you are unhappy with the product, you may return it for a full refund. You can then call our customer service who will confirm that you have no service in your home and then let you out of our contract with no termination fee.”
Customer: “I don’t want to call anyone! I want an adjustment on my bill for the inconvenience. We moved to an area with no service and were without it for three months!”
At this point I realize that the customer has absolutely no desire to leave Verizon and just wants to throw a big stink in order to get credit for buying the $250 piece of equipment. NO ONE made her buy this product. This was one of the OPTIONS she had. You can’t get a combination of all the options. You don’t get to keep Verizon while not paying a dime for a product we provide. And it’s not our fault that she chose to move and opted to wait three months before doing anything about it. Despite this, we still would have gotten her out of her contract and no charge if she could have some freakin patience.

People can’t be this unreasonable, right? I try to put myself in the customers shoes every time there is an escalated situation, but I can almost NEVER empathize with them. I would NEVER react the way they do. Even if I was wronged by the company, I would not act like a complete child. I would calmly explain the sitaution and reasonably request they fix it. Why do people just believe they can walk into retail stores and shit all over the people in there.

I am not an idiot. I know my job has a negative conotation to it. Hell, I don’t even like it. I thought anyone could get a job in a cell phone store, but I was completely wrong. EVERYONE at my store has an undergraduate degree or will soon. I am about to have a Master’s degree. We are not schmucks who are clueless. We are intelligent people who are completely competent. However, we are a dangerous breed. We don’t take kindly to being shit on. We will do our best for you if you treat us with respect. If you look down on us, you will never get what you want.

If we messed up, we will admit our error and fix it even if you are dick. In these situations you deserve to be one. But when you come in and act like a child just because you can and we did not do anything wrong you will not be getting your way.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “The Verizon Chronicles – Vol. 5

  1. scarletdark

    Ahhhh this cracked me up! Your bat-to-TV analogy was my personal favorite.

    I don’t know how you survive these people. I am glad I do not work at your place of bidness.

  2. “I better materialize a phone out of my ass this instant or I might upset this holy bidness man!”

    Hahahahaha oh man. I really don’t know what I love more, your Verizon tales or your dating tales. It is a true toss-up.

  3. Woah…you’re so angry when you write The Verizon Chronicles! It’s so funny, I can imagine Spongebob in your place, it’s so funny (and sad, I guess) how stressed stupid clients leave you…sigh

  4. Its posts like these that make me happy that I don’t talk to people at my job. The exception being my near-retirement boss and students who have lost their way to the bathroom.

  5. scarletdark – Very nice. Way to use the material I presented in your response. You earn bonus points.

    Bloggy – Thanks. I’m glad you find two parts of my sad life entertaining. Although, I guess the same could be said of you that you have a soul-sucking job like me now. Someday we’ll bounce back.

    Thrice – Haha. Yea, work makes me quite unpeaceful. It drives me to drink and makes me want to punch things. It can’t be healthly.

  6. scarletdark

    Yesssssss I love bonus points

  7. Make sure you keep track of them. If you save up enough you could use them to get a free t-shirt or buttons.

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