Thank You For Smoking

I am going to start this entry with a statement so obvioius that you will be shocked I even wasted my breath.

Smoking and doing drugs are super cool.

I know exactly what you are thinking: “Well no shit Sherlock.”

Ok, ok…maybe they aren’t actually cool, but PRETENDING to do them is.

I had a lively conversation with my friend DG about this today and we came up with some AWESOME ideas. Full disclosure: some of these are rehashes (see what I did there?) of old ideas that have seemingly faded away while others are strictly our doing.

The conversation started when I  franticly instant messaged him stating I really wanted a Sherlock Holmes-esque pipe that blows bubbles (magnify glass and AWESOME hat recommended, but optional). We then scoured the internet for this gem.

Sadly, it seems the cronies over at have put the kibosh on all toys/candies that relate to smoking. Apparently, it makes children want to smoke. Pff.

The only bubble pipes we found did not look realistic and had to be ordered from the UK, Japan, or shoddy American sites that featured a seemingly unholy alliance of chain-smoking and Mickey Mouse. The Japanese version is currently on sale for 92 cents. This is probably because they are made of lead paint and manufactured by infants. This seemed unsafe and immorale.

We found a realistic corncob bubble pipe, but it just doesn’t scream sophistication and respect like a Sherlock Holmes bubble pipe would, you know? Not to mention a Sherlock Holmes-type pipe would bring instant street cred to our fledgling crime-solving syndicate (Bullet # 4).

We also found some sweet real pipes, but I’m afraid they will be lacking the crucial bubble solution guard that will prevent an overly hyper kid (or 20 something, you know..whichever) who is so excited about his new bubble pipe that in his moment of incredible joy he accidentially inhales two cups of the aforementioned solution and thus spends the rest of the night puking and burping up barf bubbles.

You see the whole point is to have a real pipe that blows bubbles. That way when people see us with a pipe they think, “Wow that awesome kid has a freakin sweet pipe. You never see those anymore, but damn they are cool. And..what the?…HOLY CRAP! He just blew bubbles out of that pipe! I totally thought it was a real pipe, but its actually a bubble-blowing pipe. That kid is even more awesome and popular with the ladies than I orginally thought!”

So we are at a stand still. Do we go against our better judgment and order a foreign and nonrealistic bubble pipe? Or do we continue our search?

I need you to answer for us because we were soon distracted by our recollection of candy cigarettes. And no, not those boring, chalk-flavored candy cigarettes. We were reminscing about those awesome, chalk-flavored bubble gum candy cigarettes that actually blew smoke! A safe flour-based smoke of course.

DG then made a solid point. Those bastards, who claimed these candies would make kids want to smoke, should bring these joyous treats back!

By taking away those candies, they are making us want to smoke for real since its now easier to get our hands on the hardcore stuff. If I want a real pack of smokes I can stroll about 20 feet down the street and get my fix. If I want the candy version, I have to find a shady website that will surely sell my credit card information. As you can see, we have been left with no choice.

Bring back realstic bubble-blowing pipes and candy cigarettes!

But why stop at smoking?

-We still have Big League Chew to chomp on when playing wiffeball. This ensures we get our fake Tobacco fix while on the diamond.

-DG then suggested candy hypodermic needles. Its the next logical step. Obviously, Nerds Rope would be used as a turnikit and Ice Breakers Pacs would be used as the wannabe be crack.

-I then realized that Sweet Tarts would make sweet pretend Ectasy pills.

-And lastly, Fun Dip could be snorted to simulate cocaine use. Well, what did you think that weird white stick that’s included in Fun Dip packages was for?

-Interesting Side note: doing a Google Search for “Sweet tarts” turns up a lot of naughty pictures.

-Interesting Side note # 2: doing a Google Search for “Bubble + Pipe” turns up a lot of results for all African-American casted pornography films that centeredd on women’s backsides.

So in conclusion, if you find me a realistic-looking pipe that blows bubbles you will get an amazing* prize. But don’t accidentially send me porn….well, it’s okay if you send the porn too.

*Disclaimer: Prize will not be amazing.


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6 responses to “Thank You For Smoking

  1. heavensenthellbent

    haha what an awesome entry. I miss hanging out with you guys and trying to think of awesome things.

    You must continue you search for a real pipe (that blows bubbles of course).

    Those candy cigarettes that blew real smoke were the best. I was extremely upset when the switch over to the fake ones.

    You know those weren’t random google searches, you were trying to find naughty pictures.

  2. Memorable post Witty! You know, your theory is actually very people smoke (and I am uncool now :P) what’s more, there’s a member of 20sb whose username is “Winners take drugs” or something like that, which immediately caught my attention..sigh..I’ll google that pipe for you, my friend, and I don’t expect anything from you…maybe…ermm…a huge box of gobstoppers..but nothing fancy, really 😀
    I’ll win!

  3. HUGE fan of candy cigarettes. They’re still sold in San Francisco, but probably only because we’re all heathens who want to let the gays run the world and therefore the rest of America does not care if we convince our children to smoke by handing them candy cigarettes and a fake lighter. Whatevs, I hear the illegal cigarette trade is super effing lucrative so maybe they will have an incentive to get out of the Tenderloin (which is the ghetto. And by ghetto, I mean a legit ghetto where people are involved in casual drive bys and tree’s don’t grow in planters because there is too much human waste).

    Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

  4. PiC – Our conversations, although hilarious, still lack that extra magic due to your absence.
    I would never search for porn, it’s gross and wrong and awesome..wait..

    Thrice – Don’t worry! You can be super cool again! Just start smoking candy cigarettes!

    Elizabeth – We figured it would “super effing lucrative,” so we are pretty stoked. You can be our West Coast rep if you like.

  5. scarletdark

    Boy, with all those drug ideas for sugary treats, I think you’re left with only one option here–

    Candy rave.


    And yeah, continue the search. Fuck second best. McGuyver that shit if you have to.

  6. My McGuyer work is falling quite short

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