Twilight: A Snowman Love Story

I decided to watch “Twilight” to see what all the hype was about. About 10 minutes in, I realized how grave my mistake was.

Being the eternal optimist that I am (pff), I opted to make the best of my self-imposed torture.

I started tweeting (how nerdy am I?) about my issues with the movie. I decided this may make for good blog-fodder, so it will be posted below for your reading pleasure.

I would apologize to Bethis for my Twilight-bashing, but her blog died. Her blog succumbed to the most common of causes for blog-death: its writer met a love interest.

But I digress…

“For some reason I’m watching Twilight. I regret this choice. This film has issues. I will detail them for ur enjoyment or boredom, whichever”
…six minutes later…
1. How come no one seems to notice how pale the vampires are? It’s like glaringly obvious. It’s worse than an albino…”

2. This movie is way too teen angsty”

3. Okay. Seriously. It looks like Edward Cullen is made out of ice. He’s so white he is clear.”

4. Kristen Stewart is CLEARLY Jena Malone. Who are they trying to fool? Photographic proof will be my next tweet”


…I decided to stop tweeting at this point and continue the list here…

a. So…when vampires go into the sunlight they become glittery? Something about a vampire with gems glued to him isn’t all that frightening.

b. Note to girl in the movie – When a vampire says he’s never wanted someone’s blood more than yours, follows that up by imploring you not to trust him and then proceeds to compare you to heroin…you should run away, not try to befriend him.

c. So even if they fall in love…what happens when she gets older and he just stays 17? Is he gonna stay with her when she hits 50? My money is on him biting her no lter than her 30th birthday.

d. “This isn’t real! stuff like this doens’t exist!” – as she looks at a large river in the forest. She is easily impressed…and apparently doesn’t get out much.

e. Vampires play baseball..who knew?

f. I guess if you are going to get poisoned, it would help to have a vampire for a boyfriend.

g. So your daughter goes out with a boy and ends up in the hospital with broken bones…so you still let her go out with him a second time…

That movie was terrible.


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9 responses to “Twilight: A Snowman Love Story

  1. sgtowg

    I whole heartedly agree. Some of those question get explained in the second book (yeah, I read it–but stopped there). My friends are OBSESSED so I became curious. Never again.

  2. meaninglessmetaphors

    Yeah, if you got into it with a mindset to be entertained at the awfulness, it’s alright…but if you view it as serious cinema, you’re doomed.

    The teenage girls LOVE this crap…they all write about how they learn about literary devices from Stephenie Meyer. God help us all.

  3. Sgtowg – I heard the books were good, but I have not read them myself.

    MM – I heard the books were good – are they not well-written?

  4. It was. And I am TOTALLY with you re: C).

  5. Told you it was torturous. I’ve seen it twice because I didn’t believe it could have been as bad as I originally thought. It was. I’m glad you agreed.

    So are you going to watch the 2nd one when it comes out? =)

  6. I wanted to watch it…I still want though…
    It just that it sucks to know the hospital thing now.

  7. LiLu – The whole damn movie makes no sense

    Ania – GOD NO! But yes, yes I will because I’m a sucker for movies…especially ones I can bash endlessly.

    Thrice – I’m sorry I ruined a part for you, but if it helps – you probably won’t make it to that scene. It’s after the first 15 minutes, which is when sane people turn the movie off.

  8. scarletdark

    Okay so you left out two points:
    1. None of the main characters are good at acting.
    2. Edward looks like he’s constipated throughout most of the film and it’s REALLY distracting.

    I’ve read the first two books. The first one is significantly more tolerable than the movie, albeit still not designed for anyone above a 12th grade reading level. The second one was so bad, I could barely force myself to finish it. Avoid second movie! Werewolves AND vampires. The CGI is guaranteed to be gay (though not as gay as Watchmen).

  9. scarletdark – All very valid points. I don’t know how I could have missed those two!

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