Tag Archives: emo

Somebody’s Gonna Miss Us

I have been in a huge funk since Christmas. This was second (out of three since I’ve moved) Christmas that I could not make it home to see my family. I was already pretty bummed out about that, but as the day went on, my mood worsened.

My parents and brother called me in the morning so we could open our presents to each other “together,” which I know is a little dorky, but I don’t care, so shut up. Jerks.

The rest of my day was spent watching TV, playing with the dog, and playing video games. Normally, this would be an incredible day off from work, but I really wanted to be around people – especially my family. Between missing my family and having my job own my ass during the holidays, I was pretty damn emo.

Even though Christmas was days ago, my attitude really hasn’t improved. I’ve been thinking a lot about growing up, the next step in my life (which I’ve been struggling to take), and just what’s going on in my little bubble of a life.

I watched a DVD on Christmas day that really hit home. My parents got me a DVD called “Somebody’s Gonna Miss Us” – it’s a documentary about a pop-punk band called The Starting Line. The band decided to call it quits after 8 years together.

Now, I know what you are thinking: What the Hell does that DVD have to do with your life?

Well, I’ve always felt I could relate to the band. Their music was a big part of my life during my first 2-3 years in college, plus the guys in the band are all about my age. After having some modest success during my college years, the band slowly started to disappear.

It was sad to see them all talking about the end of the band and not having an idea what was next. You always assume people in bands have it completely made, but guys in these smaller bands are closer to you and me than actual rock stars. They may have seen a glimpse of “the life,” but when it’s all said and done they need to get real jobs and go back to reality.

Seeing a band I cared about so much in that light, added to my mood. It was depressing to see. It was another reminder about how hard it is to do what you love in life. Even if you get a chance, it’s no guarantee to last.

A lot of things the guys talked about in the documentary reminded me of things in my own life. It’s just been weighing on me a lot more than I thought it would.

I know that’s kinda lame and I should just suck it up and get over it, but I’m just having a hard time shaking this mood.

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Fake It Til You Make It

I love my dog more than most people.

But sometimes she makes me so damn frustrated.

She absolutely adores people (except for older people for some reason…they frighten her, but really don’t the elderly kind of scare us all?) and this is (obviously) a great trait for a dog to have. I am thankful that this is the case.

What frustrates me is her attitude towards other dogs. She friggen hates them. I don’t know if she’s got a bad case of the Napoleon Complex, but she goes beserk when she sees another dog.

When she sees anther dog her hair stands up all down her back, she barks really loud/mean, and pays ZERO attention to me. Not only is it ridiculously embarrassing, but it also concerning. If she ever gets loose or another person’s dog is loose when I’m walking her, I could have a huge issue.

My dog already bit a chuck of the Ex’s parents’ dog’s ears off. (Wow that was a lot of possessive apostrophes…) I would be in big trouble if she ever did that to someone else’s pet.

Aside from that fear, it prohibits some activities I would like to do and even meeting some new people.

Sometimes when I’m walking her I’ll see someone else walking their dog and I think “Wow, I have a really easy conversation starter here. I could just start talking about being a dog owner and BAM I could have a new friend.” This is an oversimplification but I think you catch my drift. Sadly, my dog would attempt to maim the other dog before I could even say, “Oh, hey.”

I would also love to bring my pup to a dog park to run around and socialize with other dogs while I socialize with some of the people there. Once again, this is impossible.

Going to the beach with my pup would also be an amazing time, but god forbid there is another dog running around.

—-

I recently emo-blogged about my disappearing self-esteem. I wish I could report that things have turned around, but it is quite the opposite. Last week my work friend, Ben Affleck (no, he just looks like him) invited me out to Montruex (a local bar). He was hanging out with a girl he had recently met, but she had invited her friend. He was hoping I could serve as his wingman. I like hanging with Affleck and I’m always up for meeting some new people, so I agreed.

I went out with zero expectations. I just planned on hanging with a friend and meeting some new people. I showed up and said hello to Affleck who then introduced me to his “date.” She was really personable and nice to talk to.

He then tried to introduce me to her friend, but she didn’t see me walk in, nor did she hear him. Ignoring this I said “Hey, what was your name?”

She gave me the most disgusted/confused/get the fuck away from me face I have ever seen. I muttered something like, “Oh no…I’m uh..I’m Affleck’s friend I was just introducing myself….”

Wow. Thanks, bitch. I was just saying hi, I wasn’t hitting on you, but thanks for making feel like a complete waste of life.

I promptly turned back to Affleck and his girl to talk to two people who weren’t repulsed by me. The girls soon went to the bathroom. I asked Affleck what the girl’s deal was, but being drunk, he didn’t realize what I meant. He stated that she was kinda shy, had a boyfriend who lived in California and then gave me some other boring info about her.

When the girls came back I essentially ignored the other girl, but once Affleck and his girl started making out a little, I felt obligated to distract the friend. I started the conversation with a “So, I hear you have a boyfriend and you guys live in California…” aka “I am in no way trying to get in your pants and never was.”

I could understand if I went up to her and was trying to be all smooth or was extra sketchy and trying to moleste her like other guys at bars do, but I was just being a regular, nice guy. I wasn’t even hitting on her!

Even though I was super mad, I’d be lieing if I said it didn’t hurt me a little. For someone to just look at me that way and have their snap judgement written all over their face is not easy to forget.

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Obligatory I have nothing to talk about so I’ll just make a bullet list post

Things That Make My Life Happy Right Now

1. Tequila

2. Rachel Maddow

3. Whiskey Sour

4. My puppy

5. South Carolina weather

6. Friends

7. The coasters my Grandma made me

8. “Crazy Easy” by dmb

9. Sleeping in

10. Not working

11. Amy Poehler

12. KFC grilled chicken

13. Learning some notes on my guitar

14. Cop-out blog posts

15. Discussions about the Mooninites

16. Blackberry Messenger

17. My finger tips being numb from guitar lessons
Stuff Making Me Sad

1.  Lack of Drewbear

2. Scrubs season finale

3. Fast food restaurants closing super early in my town

4. I didn’t feel the mini earthquake that hit my town today

5. Missing my family

6. Finding out something that you wish would forever leave your mind

7. Probably going to miss Alkaline Trio/Saves the Day on Friday

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I am a waste of the flesh on my bones, I am a waste of the air in my lungs.

We’ll start happy:

1. Three of my CT friends are visiting this week and the All-American will be here this weekend. We are sure to have some great times around the Lowcountry.

2. Last night we went to Mellow Mushroom and then hung at K&M’s condo for some card games and drinks. I had a great time with everyone and look forward to more hangouts as the week goes on.

3. Walking on King Street (where the Mushroom is located in downtown Charleston) on a warm night is one of the greatest things in the world.

Bad things:

1. Didn’t get to go to the beach today because I had to take the pup to the vet. I’ll spare the details, but she should be okay. She needs a couple more appointments and some meds and she should be good to go. It is going to cost a lot, but that’s part of the deal when adopting a dog.

2. My recent visit to Charlotte and conversations with my CT friends has left me kinda bummed out this week. They don’t mean to, but when I’m around them I sometimes feel like a complete failure. As we were sitting around at Mellow Mushroom discussing work and things, I looked around the table and realized everyone there had their dream job, or at worst, a job they enjoyed. They all make pretty good money and everything seems to be going well with them. I’m incredibly happy for them, but it makes me reflect on my own situations.

This coupled with another incident that occurred this week has pretty much shot my self-esteem. I was making progress in that department but this week has done a number on me. I use to have a lot of confidence in myself (even if some of it was false), but it seems I continue to lose it as time goes on.

3. My Aunt has been fighting breast cancer for a few years now and honestly I don’t know how she is doing it. No matter how bad it gets, she keeps fighting through it. I don’t know if I could be that brave.

She has been getting weaker lately and the doctor said her chemo isn’t working anymore. She was given the option of stopping treatment or trying another form they haven’t used yet. Thankfully, she chose the latter. It doesn’t look good, but we’re not giving up hope.

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Jack of All Trades…ish

I want a thing.

I want to be awesome at something.

I want to be so awesome at that something, that people think of me when they think of that something.

Hell, I’d settle for being better than most people at something.

I tend to get these little obsessions with things, well really, I just get obsessions about the IDEA of things. Something will spark my imagination and I’ll just have to have that something. I will eventually get that something and after a few failed attempts, I will give up or move on to my next obsession.

Some people would call this lazy (and yes, part of it is laziness), but I like to call it insatiable-ness. My thirst for learning and life can not be quenched!

That or I’m ADD…you be the judge.

It started when I was a kid. Football was my obsession. Unsurprisingly, this did not pan out. I was not blessed with what one might call “muscles” or “God-given ability.”

When it became clear that girls liked poems and things written about them, I moved on to writing. In high school and parts of college I liked to believe I was great writer. After rereading some older journal entries and some poems, I now realize this was incredibly false.

I used to work for my college’s radio station and I actually believe I did a pretty good job at that. I would do some music shows, but mostly I did commentary for football and basketball games. I LOVED doing this. Sadly, I will probably never do this professionally. Part of me wants to just find a college radio station in the area, get my own show and just have fun with it. I still may do this someday.  In the meantime I can’t really just take it up as a hobby. People tend to get pissed when you do play-by-play in the stands.

Last Christmas the obsession was a skateboard. I never thought I was going to be great at it, but I just wanted to be good enough to ride it around a little. I’ve been on the board maybe 5 times. All of these times have been fun, but I never fell in love with it. It just never “grabbed a hold of me.” It’s a neat, funny activity but that’s about it. My skateboard now sits on my porch.

I then wanted to learn a new language. Spanish made sense since I took in in high school. I realized going to school or buying the Rosetta Stone was way too expensive so I settled on illegally downloading the Rosetta Stone software. Upon discovering the files were in some weird format that I didn’t understand how to convert to anything relevant to me, I decided Spanish was not for me anymore.

Next up – maybe I’ll get into shape! I could be hot, in-shape guy! I bought the Iron Gym and some sweet Nike+ shoes. If anyone has seen me in person lately, you know that I epically failed at this as well.

My latest obsession is with the acoustic guitar. This delusion of grandeur hasn’t taunted me since early in college. This appears to be my next failed mission.

I’m glad I’m trying a bunch of random things and there are other things I would like to at least try someday, but I just wish something would stick. I like being able to at least relate to most other people’s activities/jobs/passions on a layman’s level, but I wish I had my own thing.

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The Hazards of Love

Where to begin, where to begin…

Do I go with the story that will garner the most attention first? Or Last?

The fate of my journal could rest on this decision.

1. I had a great day on Saturday. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with Swan and CF to watch the UConn game. Afterward we met up with another friend and hung at my apartment. We watched some TV and attempted to skateboard. No one was injured, so we’ll consider that a great success.

That night I went to my friend, KL’s house. I brought CF, Swan, and two other friends to her house. We also hung out with her two neighbors. I freakin love hanging with KL and her two friends. They are always a riot. We just sat around and drank. We shared stories, asked each other random questions and just had a blast.

Side note – KL’s neighbors are a young, gay couple and they both said I was hot. Now, they had beer goggles on at the time, but I’ll take any compliment I can get. That now brings the total number of girls to call me hot this month to a solid zero and the number of guys to call me hot up to two. Yes! Sort of…Whatever I’m an attention whore, I’ll take it.

2. Sigh. Cute Starbucks Barista is confusing. We’ve talked on the phone and/or texted each other almost every day, but when I mentioned hanging out, she always had a reason why she could not. It’s hard to say how truthful she is, but I want to believe what she says. I know she is a ridiculously busy person – two jobs, school, dance, etc. but I felt like if she wanted to, she could make time to hang out.

I decided I was gonna back off.  I know, typical guy move. Of course, no sooner do I make this decision and she calls me and we talk for like an hour. However, our conversations sometimes go back to the hanging out thing and it never gets anywhere. She also mentions how she went on a date with a guy a few weeks back. These seem like bad signs.

On top of the age thing and these bad signs, she’s also planning on going to school in Columbia (an hour away) next year. She mentioned not being sure if she wants a relationship before transferring there. And today she mentioned not being into the whole “just having fun” thing.

She obviously wants to talk to me because it’s not always me who instigates it. What the hell is going on? Did I already fall into the friend zone?

Maybe she was never interested and just enjoys attention/being friends? Or maybe she was interested but the whole age difference thing kinda freaks her out so she’s afraid to move it past being friends?

I mean, I have no idea what I feel about her, but from what little I know so far, I like. She’s fun to talk to and we seem to get along well. I would like to actually hang out. As you can see the whole situation is strange. I’m not sure what to make of it or what to do.

Thoughts?

3. Things with the Ex have gone oddly well. That is until Friday…

As usual, she came to pick up the puppy (she gets her on the weekends…yea, I know it sounds like I’m talking about two parents going through a divorce and spitting time with a child), but she asked if she could do laundry at my place. She doesn’t have a washer or dryer (I got them in the break-up), so I’ll usually let her use them. I was going to be at work the whole time, so it didn’t bother me.

When I came home that night, she was still there and was visibly bothered by something. I asked her what was wrong and she kept repeating “nothing.” It was clear she was lying for whatever reason. I soon noticed that my computer was on. It was off when I went to work.

I sat at my computer and asked her again to tell me what was wrong. She said it was nothing so I looked at my browser history. I quickly saw that she was on Facebook. I am autologged in, so when she went to the site she was able to see my information. I noticed she had look at my Inbox. Awesome.

I asked her again what was wrong and if she was sure there was nothing she wanted to tell me. She again told me nothing. I then asked: “You know I can see the history on my computer right?”

She then confessed. I was angry and annoyed, but I didn’t make that huge of a deal out of it. I mean, if I used her computer and went to facebook and was autologged in to her account, I’d be extremely tempted to snoop. What I did not know was what was exactly bothering her. The only two messages she could be upset about were to Bloggy and a friend I used to work with.

The message to Bloggy mentioned hanging out when I was home with her and Shorty. I assumed this was it.

Surprisingly, I was wrong. The message to the friend I used to work with was the culprit. I was talking to her about her recent break-up with her boyfriend. In the message I mentioned how the Ex and I still hang out and it was going well. But I made some comment about how it seemed we might be hanging out because it was comfortable and not because there was any excitement/spark left. Since the Ex and I are not hooking up, I thought this was obvious to her.

She said she knew this was the case, but had never heard me admit to it. She was bothered by the fact, that I had finally caved and admitted we had lost the so-called magic.

We talked for a little bit and then she went home. It was odd. It’s human nature to want your Ex to still want you. It’s a comfort thing. You don’t want them to move on because they could be your back-up. Or things could turn around. I can understand that feeling and that’s what appears was going on in her mind I guess.

You’d think at 26 I’d have all this relationship business figured out.

/fail

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Pace the stairs to your apartment like it’s where you want to be

I have been quite disappointed in my entries as of late, but I just haven’t been feeling all that creative lately.

Nothing all that exciting has occured lately, so I haven’t been all that motivated to write.

-Cute Starbucks Barista has been fairly MIA over the last couple weeks so there has been zero movement there.
-No new girls have entered my life.
-Work has been frustrating, but nothing mind-numbingly stupid has forced me to go on a rant
-I’ve started another grad course (only two left!) so most of my nights are spent doing homework
-It seems my super awesome blogger friends have been MIA as well. Come back to me my babies!

Sadly, you the reader, suffer due to my boring life. I have some exciting plans in the works, so perhaps things will pick up!

March : Boring
April : Possible vacation home, dmb in Charlotte
May : Probable weekend trip home and NJ for the Bamboozle Festival with PiC and KC
June: Very distant possibility of a weekend trip home for dmb in Hartford with the little bro
August: Hopeful weekend trip to George, Washington for dmb at the Gorge with PiC and Samsonite

This weekend was pretty lowkey. The only event worth noting was my trip to John’s Island. Two of my friends (married couple) were having people at their condo for a game night. CF and Swan were going to be there, plus some folks I’ve never met. I figured it would be a nice balance of friends and newbies who could turn into friends, so I was excited. I picked up a bottle of wine and arrived around 830. We played a few different games, ate some food, had a few drinks and eventually just sat and talked about all sorts of different things. I had a really fun time and the newbies were all really nice and fun to hang around with.

Highlights of the night were my shear dominance at a game called Dirty Minds (that should come as no surprise) and ending the night with a game called “Would You Rather…?” This game presents two terrible situations and you have to choose which you would prefer. The game provided for some hilarious explanations. At the end of the night the couple let us know that they would be celebrating the husband’s birthday on Folly Beach this Friday night.

I left the condo quite happy. I had hung out with a group of friends (which I wasn’t sure I would have at any point after my breakup with the Ex), had a great time and met some new people. However, an uneasy feeling entered my mind on the drive home. The ages of the people at the condo ranged from 25-38. All of the new people were in their 30s and the husband is turning 38 on Friday. I got along really well with everyone, which was great, but it was weird that I could relate to people that were well into their 30s.

Now people in their 30s are not old by any stretch, but when I was in college, I would probably view them as such. Somehow I’ve become an adult. I can relate to people who talk about things like the economy and gas prices. What the hell happened? When did this occur? People who were in their late 20s or older always seemed rather foreign to me. They were this weird hybrid of a person. They could still go out and party, but not with the frequency of a college student. They had careers and were serious about life, but not as much as someone in their 40s or older.

Apparently, this is what I am now. There’s no denying that I’m a better, more reliable, more stable, and more responsible version of my former self and that’s a good thing…so why does this seem somewhat tragic to me.

I find myself reminiscing more and more about the past. I don’t just daydream about college or the later years of high school anymore though. I now focus on the memories of my youth as well. Everything seems so distant.

My friend posted videos of my guy friends playing wiffleball. It made me miss that time and them so much. I remember the “problems” I would have had at the time and they seem so ridiculous now. God, I miss those summers. I could believe it when I realized it was 5-6 years ago. I was also shocked to see that the composition Shorty referenced in my birthday entry was written seven freakin years ago.

Where is time going? When did life start to pass me by?

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Lost in Translation

1. I’m watching “Lost in Translation” (hence the title). I watched it back in 2004 or so and was in the mood to see it again. For those who haven’t seen it, you should definitely rent it.

2. I had a dirty dream involving Courtney from Sex and the Traveling Satchel. I’m not gonna share the details here, but I pretty much rocked her world.

3 . The title of this journal has another tie-in…

I thought maybe the Cute Starbucks Barista stories were becoming overkill, so I decided to take a break, but I’ve had a couple people ask me if there has been any updates. Despite my better judgment, I will share the latest interaction. Enjoy another addition to my growing list of failures.

On one of my days off this week, I decided to go through the drive-thru on the recommendation of one of you awesome bloggers. This idea was nothing short of brilliant. CSB was working the drive-thru and this situation seemed like nothing more than a coincidence.

CSB: “You’re total is (some insane amount of money for coffee)”
Me: “Oh, hey, what’s up?”
CSB: “Oh! You’re (says my name) aren’t you? I didn’t even recognize you, you look so different!”
Me: “Well, I’m not wearing my work clothes for once.”
CSB: (Reaches to get my change while saying..) “So, tell me about yourself, since I don’t know anything about you.”
Me: (Sheer panic as I never saw this coming) “Um..well, uh. As you know I work at Verizon, but I hate it. It’s not what I want to be doing.”
CSB: “What do you want to be doing?”
Me: “Something in radio or TV since that’s what I went to school for.”
CSB: “Oh really? That’s cool.”
Me: “What about you?”
CSB: “I’m going to school and majoring in dance and early childhood development”
(Praise God she’s in college and not high school)
Me: “Oh wow, that’s really interesting.”

At this point I was super stoked because she asked me to tell her about myself, remembered my  name and was chatting me up in the drive-thru line (granted there was no one behind me).
However, the conversation then turned to (ugh) cell phones. We talked about the deal she could get with Verizon, but she mentioned how it was still beneficial to stay with T-Mobile. Despite the change in convo, everything was going well. I literally had my business card with personal phone number on it in my hand ready to give it to her…

…but it all began to go wrong when she asked why she would want to pay more for Verizon. I responded by saying she would get better coverage and best of all, she would have me as her sales rep, so you can’t beat that. This comment was meant as a little playful, flirty joke, which I expected to be met with an equally flirty response. However, this comment was either not understood or not well received as she just looked confused. I quickly said something else to move passed that.

I, with business card still in hand, then asked why she was nervous the other day. She said she was worried I would pressure her into getting a phone. I told her I would never do that. Then she responded with “It kinda feels like you are.”

It was said somewhat playfully, but I immediately panicked and thought maybe she meant it. Each of our conversations involved phone talk because that’s how this whole thing began. I felt bad that she might actually feel that way.

So, as I said, I panicked, told her I would never pressure her into getting Verizon again, asked when she was working next (Thursday) and told her I’d probably see her since I go to Starbucks everyday.

Ugh.

I am so dumb and panic way too easily. As usual our interactions are part awesome and part confusing.

In any event, I did not see her working today, so I’m not sure what happened there.

So. There you have it. I am an epic fail. Again.

Hopefully these stories aren’t becoming overkill, but I think its fun to write about and I enjoy reading everyone’s responses.

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Fix me in 45

I’m taking a break from my recent CSB kick…

1. Had a good talk with one of my good friends (DG) tonight and he gave me some good insight into therapy and his history with it. It was good to get his opinion and all just talk like we used to back in college during the wee hours of the night.

2. Courtney from Sex and the Traveling Satchel is a genius and a good friend. I never thought I would say that about someone I never actually met in person, but I’m glad I can.

3. ARod testing positive for steroids may have ruined baseball for me.

4.  I hung out with the Ex today because I had to go to her neck of the woods to pick up the puppy. We tried to go to the best restuarant ever (Taco Boy), but it was freakin closed. I was super pissed. We (okay, mostly she) made chicken parm and we watched Obama’s speech and 24 before I made my way home.

5. I was going through the online journal I kept in college and stumbled upon my old compositions (some would say poems…but please don’t be one of those some) and it made me miss the days would I would sit at my computer, turn off the lights, turn on some music and just write. I would say these old compositions range from terrible to decent. I will give you a taste. This one was from 2003 and was, sadly, one of the last ones I ever wrote. I can’t believe this is almost six years old now. I think it had some good parts but was borderline nonsensical. If I didn’t tell you I wrote it, I could possibly pass it off as genius to a high school class. Anything that is confusing and makes no sense is genius…right?

"Webster's Definition of Latent"
3/21/03
Composition # 73 - Originally titled "You & Me"

You and me -
to the last gasping breath,
forever exhausting mutual adoration.
We never say die,
even when this belongs six feet down.
Reason silenced by desire,
conviction found in love -
with screaming fine print (Mine - for now).
Infatuation still bleeds out from our veins,
so we exalt every potential ender.
Words surrender as inferior -
Entangled lips,
legs wrapped tightly around my waist,
thighs resting on my hips,
and hands clenching my back
bring substance to our promises.
The taste of fleeting perfection reminds
why we don't abandon "us"
...to genuine to dismiss.
So we continue to drain the air of all its emotion,
always breathing in the aura of summer rains.

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These white pills aren’t kind

Between my old Live Journal and now this blog, I’ve toyed with the idea of writing this post for about 3 years now. For varying reasons I never followed through with it. Part of me did not want this to turn into a “woe is me” post or allow myself to instill a built in excuse for my problems. And another part of me thinks I will not be able accurately articulate this in the way that I want.

I still don’t have a complete grip on all of my issues, so this makes writing about it even harder. So, please bare with me…this will probably be more of therapy session for me than any form of entertainment for you. I do believe this will help some of my friends better understand me and why I am the way I am though…

As early as middle school I noticed that certain situations made me overly nervous. I always chalked it up to stage fright or something similar. However, my fears and anxieties continued to grow and spill over into other parts of my life. It really started to become an issue during my Senior Year of high of school and into college.

Basically, many social situations made me extremely and unnecessarily nervous. Restaurants, bars/parties (pre-drunkeness), concerts, classes in college, dentist appointments, etc. were almost always a cause for anxiety. Leading up to the events I would have some form of these symptoms: nervousness, nausea, tingling in my hands/feets, dizziness, shakes, hot flashes, and some other related awesome feelings. Each time I had an anxiety attack, I became more afraid of certain situations and I began (and still do) avoid many situations. Whatever my problem was, it was effecting my work, school life, relationships, and social life.

Anyway, for whatever reason, in the Summer going into my Senior Year of college (2004) I finally went to my doctor to talk to him about my “issues.” I guess I had finally had enough. I talked to my parents about it and realized I probably had some kind of disorder. This whole time I just thought I was weird and I could overcome whatever these weird feelings were. I never realized I could actually have some kind of disorder/disease.

My doctor diagnosed me with Social Anxiety Disorder. Apparently, it affects a lot of people and I actually know a couple friends who suffer from similar disorders. Here’s one definition of social anxiety disorder:

“Social Anxiety disorder, also called social phobia is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged and criticized by others.
A person with social anxiety disorder is afraid that he or she will make mistakes and be embarrassed or humiliated in front of others….The anxiety can build into a panic attack. As a result of the fear, the person endures certain social situations in extreme distress or may avoid them altogether. In addition, people with social anxiety disorder often suffer “anticipatory” anxiety — the fear of a situation before it even happens — for days or weeks before the event. In many cases, the person is aware that the fear is unreasonable, yet is unable to overcome it….Without treatment, social anxiety disorder can negatively interfere with the person’s normal daily routine, including school, work, social activities and relationships.”

Sounds fun, right?

Anxiety disorders are related to depression, so a lot of anti-depressants are used as treatment. As such, my doctor prescribed me Zoloft first. This medicine left me in a complete haze and I hated it. I didn’t have any anxiety, but I didn’t have any feelings either. I was just numb.

Next up was Paxil. I’ve been on this little gem since that Summer. Although the pill does a decent job for me, it is not perfect. There has been a lot of negative press about it, so I’ve been attempting to ween off of it for a while now. This is a whole other story though.

So, I continue to have problems to this day and probably will for the rest of my life. When I do get out to places like restaurants and bars, I am still fidgety and sometimes have all-out panic attacks. Some friends have probably noticed me constantly moving, zoning out, getting up a lot, eyeing the exits, and requesting to sit in specfic seats. I probably seemed super OCD.

I really need to go to a pyschitrist, but the ironic part is my anxiety disorder “prevents” me from going. That statement makes me hate myself. I want so desparately to be a normal person and I should not use my issues as a crutch. It makes me seem so weak and its frustrating. I need to suck it up and get more help.

Not a day goes by that I don’t have some form of attack, even if it is just small one. I have these little routines and avoidance techniques to get through each day and it can be exhausting.

It’s also upsetting to miss out on activities that other people can attend with no problem. I am terrible at making plans with friends and I rarely go out to dinner with them because of this. I believe it also had a hand in my break-up with the Ex and will plague all of my future relationships, if I can even bring myself to go on a date with someone new (dinner, movie, and the pressure of impressing someone is a little tough on me). Plus, the thought of being intimate with someone new seems so foreign and pressure-filled to me now.

I also avoid doctors, dentists, and other things that I should be doing regularly.

For some of my closer friends this also probably explains some of my drinking behaviors and actions from Fall 2004-Winter 2005. Needless to say, drinking on this type of medicine is a bad, bad choice.

As I said, I have been weening off of the meds, in hopes of finding a better one or not needing them with the help of a shrink. But I’ve kind of hit a standstill. There are some withdrawal symptoms with these meds that are hard to get passed. This, of course, makes my anxiety worse. My closest friends can usually tell when I am on my meds and when I’m at the furthest point from my last dosage. My mood, actions, and level of nervous fidgeting are quite different during those times.

I hope this journal explains some of my past…and my future for that matter. My social anxiety disorder has shaped me into the person I am today and my ongoing battle with it will be a huge factor in the remainder of my life. I could go on for hours about this topic, but I will wrap this up. I hope this wasn’t too scatter-brained and made some sort of sense to everyone.

Feel free to ask any questions, I will not be offended. I don’t talk about this stuff too often, so even some of my best friends don’t really get this whole thing.

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