Tag Archives: i am so not smooth

First we caffeinate then incinerate

Cute Starbucks Barista was the “star” of my blog for a couple of weeks and I am pleased to announce she is back!

There has been nothing really interesting to report. I would see her every once in a while and we would chat like we had in the past, but I didn’t feel like boring everyone with each and every conversation we had.

These conversations were pretty typical of the ones I reported previously. There were so many occasions when I wanted to give her my number, but it just never seemed appropriate because she was always working. I had to think of another way….

A couple visits in a row she asked me when I was going to give her a free phone, so I finally thought of an idea. Be forewarned, it’s incredibly corny…

We had a shipment of merchandise arrive on Monday and I was going through it to see what new stuff we got. Inside these shipments there is almost always some dumby phones. These look just like the feel thing but don’t actually work. We tend to give these out to little kids when they are in the store and begging their mom and dad to play with their phones.

When I stumbled upon these, I thought it would be kinda funny and maybe, just maybe slightly cute to give the fake phone to CSB and tell her it was the free phone she’s been asking for. I also figured I could leave a little note with it or my card or something. Cheesy? Yea. Cop-Out? Probably. Original? Maybe. I just figured this was a good way to show her I’d like to talk outside of our jobs, but not embarrass her or get her in trouble at work. Okay enough defending my wussy choice…

After some casual chitchat…

Me: “Oh! I almost forgot, I’ve got a surprise for you.”
CSB: “You do? Oooh what is it? A free phone?”
Me: “Maybe. I can’t say.”
CSB: “Why not?”
Me: “Because it’s a surprise and I want to add to the suspense. It’s more fun that way.”
CSB: “Oh no! Come on! You have to tell me what it is now!”
Me: “Nope. You’ll just have to wait until the end of your shift. Just check your car before you leave today.”

(Side note – the Starbucks people and my coworkers all park in the same area. We all pretty much know each other by face and car, so that was not as creepy as it probably just sounded to you guys).

I then take my drink (which she made a Grande, even though I ordered a Tall..sweet!), give her a flirty smile and start to walk out. However, I then hear a guy calling my name. I turn around and see two of the Starbucks guys calling me back into the store. I walk over..

Starbucks Dude: “Hey you single?”
Me: ‘Um, yea, I am…”
Awkward silence ensues…
Me: “Are you asking for yourself…or…”
SD: “No, no. Just trying to help my girl out. You just made her blush.”
Me: “What?”
SD: “Yea she just ran into the back and was blushing..”
Me: “Oh haha, well tell her I’m sorry I made her blush.”
SD: “Nah man, it’s a good thing.”

I soon walk out, grab the phone, write a little note about how I hope she enjoys this free phone she’s been asking for, and if she has any problems with it, she should call her local Verizon rep, attach the note and my card to the phone and leave it on her car’s windshield.

I ran a couple errands and went home.

A few hours later my phone rings. I look at the caller ID which is displaying a number I’ve never seen..

Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hey, is this Extremely Witty?”
Me: “Yes..”
Caller: “Hey, it’s Cute Starbucks Barista. Thank you for the free phone! It’s really awesome!”

YES!!!!!!!!!!!! VICTORY!!!

I was super pumped.

We talked for like 10-15 minutes. I mentioned how I wanted to give her my number but didn’t want to do it while she was working. She said that was probably a good idea, but thought it may have been okay. We also talked about some other stuff that’s probably boring to you. The main point was the conversation ended with her saying I could call/text her anytime I wanted and I told her the same.

To add to my elation she requested my friendship on facebook and ended up texting me before the night was over.

Awesome right?

This is where it goes somewhat South…

She texted me because she saw that Swan was one of my friends on FB. Swan is a college friend of mine who is now a teacher at the local high school. Turns out Swan was CSB’s chemistry teacher! CSB is only 18 freakin years old AND one of my best friends was her HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER. Ugh.

My sweet victory was oh-so short-lived.

Via text I told her I knew she was younger than me, but not by that much. She said something like “Its just funny and reminds me how much younger I am than you.” Double ugh.

Soon after the texting stops and I figure I’ll just leave it up to her. I would still like to talk to her but I don’t want to bug her if she thinks its weird. I know we aren’t talking about anything serious at all, but something like an 8 year age gap can scare some people off…even if it’s just being friends.

I wake up today and was still pretty pleased with how the whole thing played out. At some point this afternoon she texted me to say hey, so I guess I got my answer. We didn’t “talk” long, but I was happy to see she still wanted to talk outside of work.

So, who knows where this whole thing will go and I’m certainly not looking for anything specific. So the plan is…well the plan is to not have a plan. I’m just focused on having a new friend and it will play out from there.


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Things are shaping up to be Pretty. Odd.

First doggie news…

1. I brought my puppy to the vet for her yearly shots and got some unexpected news. Her heart worm test came back slightly positive. It looks like we caught it in the early stages, but heart worm can be the doggie equivalent of cancer (which dogs can also get, so I guess that comparison doesn’t exactly work). The vet was pretty positive, so I think everything is going to be fine. I got some meds for her and in a few months she has to go for an overnight stay. I was pretty bummed the rest of the day, but she seems to be doing fine and hopefully everything will be good.

Here is a picture of my little pride & joy:


2. People who know my family know where I get my love for dogs from. My parents adore dogs just as much as I do and they proved this yet again by getting a new puppy!! My family’s last dog died a few months back and I knew it wouldn’t be long before some new puppy won them over. My brother sent me some pictures of her and she is freakin adorable. I can’t wait to go home and see her in person. She’s part Blue Heeler and the rest is kind of a mystery. Here is a picture my bro sent me…

img_0051Cutest. Thing. Ever.

Okay, now that I’ve lured you in with cute puppies, here the post about the woman in my life.

3. Two weekends ago, I just had to shake my head in disbelief at my current state of affairs involving girls. As I’m talking to my one of my best girl friends about a girl I find cute, my Ex, and another girl are texting me nonstop. One is saying she wishes she was with me, the other one seems to be jealous that I’m hanging out with another girl. It was ridiculous. Here’s the breakdown

Exhibit A::The Ex:: This situation is pretty clear to you guys. We’ve been broken up for nearly 6 months and in separate towns (about a half hour apart) for nearly 3 months. The drama over the breakup and the arrival of Weasel McDouchebag are pretty much distant memories at this point. In fact, The Ex pretty much hates McDouchebag now. She told me she never wanted a relationship with him, but he can’t seem to get that in his head. He is super clingy/needy and has caused nothing but drama in her life (and I don’t mean just with me). Her and I hung out on Sunday and she told me a lot about what had been going on. I was slightly surprised that his douchery has continued – I’m just glad she’s finally realized the extent of it. This also means I win. I am better than him – as if I needed that validation. Is this childish? Yes, but I don’t care.
Anyway, her and I have been getting along great and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. I certainly don’t want to be with her right now, but it’s hard not to think about her and what we had/could still have. We’ve been hanging out a lot more and texting more, but I’m going to try and cut back because although I cherish her friendship, this can only be bad. If we are ever to be together again, we need to be apart for a while.
She does text me things like “I don’t want to go out with the girls tonight, I just want to go to your apartment and watch TV with you and the dog. I just want to relax and be with you two.” The whole situation is confusing and its hard to move onto another girl when she is still so much in the picture.

Exhibit B::The Avid Texter:: Read up on the Avid Texter here. I cannot get a good read on this situation. She seems to get jealous when I hang out with the Ex or CF. However, when I told her about my interest in CSB (see below), she seemed to be really excited for me. Her texting has died down – probably because I don’t text her back as much as I used to, but the jealousy and weird comments still come out. If she isn’t making a sarcastic comment about CF, she’s asking me a bunch of questions about what I’m doing at that moment. When I say, “Watching a movie,” or “just hanging out,” it’s always followed by “With who?” Ugh. I really hope she doesn’t like me because the feeling is not mutual. I just want to be friends with her and I do not want any drama.

Exhibit C::Cute Starbucks Barista:: Things have slowed down to a near halt with CSB. After seeing her a bunch of times over the course of a week or so, I have barely seen her. I wish there would be some form of development here and I feel it will only happen if I make the move, so I need to get on that. The chase from a few weeks ago was so fun and invigorating to me and I need that feeling back. After not seeing her, I kinda fell back into the funk of work. I’ve had two run-ins with her since the last time I wrote about her.

I went in one day when she was on her way out. It was about two days after I cut my hair. I think it’s too short, so I dreaded seeing her when I went to get a coffee. She noticed my haircut and said she liked it and with that her and a coworker were on their way out the door. Quick interaction, but a much needed boost after hating my decision to cut my hair so short.

I went in today and she was working the drive-thru (of course). She said hi to me first with a big smile. After I ordered and she finished up with someone at the drive-thru, the following occurred.

Me: “How have you been?”
CSB: “Good!”
Me: “I haven’t seen you in a while”
CSB (at the exact same time): “Where’s my free phone?”
Me: “No no no. I am not selling you a phone. You told me you were a poor college kid and can’t afford it.”
CSB: “Yea, you’re right. I can’t afford it.”
And then she was back to work. It was going in the right direction – away from the whole cell phone crap, but she had to help someone. Damn people!
Another positive note did come out of the visit. While I was waiting for my drink, two girls came in. One of them used to work there and all the baristas were saying hi to her. CSB finished up with her customer and started to talk to the girl about hanging out sometime. At one point the girl asked her “Do you have a boy?” CSB’s response was a glorious “No.”

Other Exhibits:: These three are the only scenarios worth mentioning. There are some other incredibly minor situations that will probably never move past these weird thoughts in my head, so they would be silly to get into here.

So as you can see, these three women are keeping things interesting in my life. I guess that’s better than having a completely boring existence.


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Lost in Translation

1. I’m watching “Lost in Translation” (hence the title). I watched it back in 2004 or so and was in the mood to see it again. For those who haven’t seen it, you should definitely rent it.

2. I had a dirty dream involving Courtney from Sex and the Traveling Satchel. I’m not gonna share the details here, but I pretty much rocked her world.

3 . The title of this journal has another tie-in…

I thought maybe the Cute Starbucks Barista stories were becoming overkill, so I decided to take a break, but I’ve had a couple people ask me if there has been any updates. Despite my better judgment, I will share the latest interaction. Enjoy another addition to my growing list of failures.

On one of my days off this week, I decided to go through the drive-thru on the recommendation of one of you awesome bloggers. This idea was nothing short of brilliant. CSB was working the drive-thru and this situation seemed like nothing more than a coincidence.

CSB: “You’re total is (some insane amount of money for coffee)”
Me: “Oh, hey, what’s up?”
CSB: “Oh! You’re (says my name) aren’t you? I didn’t even recognize you, you look so different!”
Me: “Well, I’m not wearing my work clothes for once.”
CSB: (Reaches to get my change while saying..) “So, tell me about yourself, since I don’t know anything about you.”
Me: (Sheer panic as I never saw this coming) “Um..well, uh. As you know I work at Verizon, but I hate it. It’s not what I want to be doing.”
CSB: “What do you want to be doing?”
Me: “Something in radio or TV since that’s what I went to school for.”
CSB: “Oh really? That’s cool.”
Me: “What about you?”
CSB: “I’m going to school and majoring in dance and early childhood development”
(Praise God she’s in college and not high school)
Me: “Oh wow, that’s really interesting.”

At this point I was super stoked because she asked me to tell her about myself, remembered my  name and was chatting me up in the drive-thru line (granted there was no one behind me).
However, the conversation then turned to (ugh) cell phones. We talked about the deal she could get with Verizon, but she mentioned how it was still beneficial to stay with T-Mobile. Despite the change in convo, everything was going well. I literally had my business card with personal phone number on it in my hand ready to give it to her…

…but it all began to go wrong when she asked why she would want to pay more for Verizon. I responded by saying she would get better coverage and best of all, she would have me as her sales rep, so you can’t beat that. This comment was meant as a little playful, flirty joke, which I expected to be met with an equally flirty response. However, this comment was either not understood or not well received as she just looked confused. I quickly said something else to move passed that.

I, with business card still in hand, then asked why she was nervous the other day. She said she was worried I would pressure her into getting a phone. I told her I would never do that. Then she responded with “It kinda feels like you are.”

It was said somewhat playfully, but I immediately panicked and thought maybe she meant it. Each of our conversations involved phone talk because that’s how this whole thing began. I felt bad that she might actually feel that way.

So, as I said, I panicked, told her I would never pressure her into getting Verizon again, asked when she was working next (Thursday) and told her I’d probably see her since I go to Starbucks everyday.


I am so dumb and panic way too easily. As usual our interactions are part awesome and part confusing.

In any event, I did not see her working today, so I’m not sure what happened there.

So. There you have it. I am an epic fail. Again.

Hopefully these stories aren’t becoming overkill, but I think its fun to write about and I enjoy reading everyone’s responses.


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Best. Coffee. Ever.

Remember when I mentioned the cute Starbucks barista (see # 7 bullet on that entry)?  Well, extremely unexpected developments occurred today! I will try to keep the following as true to life as I can. If this story ends with her taking off her Starbucks smock and having sex with me in the backroom on the coffee beans, then I got too excited telling the story and made that part up.

The other day I went into the Starbucks attached to my store and saw the Cute Starbucks Barista. She sold me my white chocolate mocha, we exchanged smiles, nothing big.

Today I decided I would make a stop in there for my usual and hoped I would run into her again. I was quite happy to see she was not only there, but also at the main register. I put on my best “Hey, I’m so casual and cool I barely noticed you there” face, realized I’m a complete tool and gave up on that idea. Here’s the conversation that ensued…(My inner thoughts are in parenthesizes).

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”
Cute Starbucks Barista: “Hey, good. What can I get for you?”
Me: “I’m actually not sure what I want yet…” (I so know what I wanted. For some reason stalling seemed like a good idea).
CSB: “Do you have the Verizon Network?”
Me: “I’m sorry what...?” (I’m completely surprised she asked me something that did not have to do with my pending coffee order)
CSB: “Do you have the Verizon Network?”
Me: “Oh, haha, well of course I do.”
CSB: “I have T-Mobile and I HATE it!”
Me: “Well, I’m not surprised. You need to sign up with Verizon. You guys (Starbucks employees) get a really good discount with us.”
CSB: “Really?”
Me: (Oh man, I can’t believe we’re having a conversation right now! Don’t say something dumb. Hey, she has really pretty eyes, I didn’t notice those before…OH CRAP! She just said something and isn’t talking anymore!) “Um, uh, yea definitely. I don’t remember all the details, but you should come in and we’ll get you a good deal.”
CSB: “Hmmm well when are you working again?”
Me: “Well, until 8 tonight and then 9:30-630 tomorrow.”
CSB: “Hmm. All right, I may have to stop in tomorrow.”
Me: (Oh my god! She wants me! She totally wants to have sex with me! She wants my penis in or around her mouth! Man, Superbad is a funny movie. Wait, no! Now is not the time!) “Yea, definitely come on in I’ll get all the details for you.”
CSB: “Well, I think we could be good friends” (Okay, don’t get excited she said that in a joking manner – clearly pertaining to the whole discount thing).
Me: (Why am I nervously laughing!? Damnit! Think of something witty and charming to say back!)

At this point a dude walks up behind me so I think I said something like “Haha sounds good” and made my order.

Me: “I guess I’ll get a tall white chocolate mocha please.” (I am an epic fail, oh well, let me get my wallet)
CSB: “Don’t worry about it.”
Me: “Seriously?”
CSB: “Yea, don’t worry about it.”
Me: “Wow…thank you so much.”
CSB: “No problem.”
Me: “What’s your name?”
CSB: “(Says her name)…and you are…(reads my name off my name tag)?”
Me: “Very good, yes I am.”
CSB: “Nice to meet you.”
Me: “Nice to meet you too.”

Aaaaand my day was made.

A white chocolate mocha has never tasted so sweet.

Sure, maybe she did it just because I kept talking about how I could get her a good deal with Verizon and she was trying to do something for me first so I would give her some crazy deal or something…but who cares! A situation like this, no matter how innocent, NEVER happens to me. It was fantastic. Of course I spent the next hour or so overanalyzing the situation and wishing I had done a million things differently (Why didn’t I at least slip her my card? Ugh.) but what are you gonna do?

This silly little interaction completely made my day. I got a name and a free coffee and maybe a second chance to see her at my store, which will obviously lead to more conversation. This, of course, will be work related conversation, but gives me a chance to learn things about her at least. Thoughts?

I will obviously keep you all posted on if she stops in tomorrow or not. I’m sure she won’t, but we’ll see. Feel free to leave advice in the comments in case she does!

One slight problem…I don’t know her age or if she has a boyfriend. For all I know she’s super young and dating someone. Details…


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